Retrospective Overview of Personal Journey (aka. The Reflection on Identity)

(Last summary post, I promise!)

Interestingly, some of the trends I've noticed with my personal thoughts and development all have to do with questions of identity, which I suppose makes sense since identity is all about the junction between an individual and his/her environment, so when you change the latter you're bound to discover something about the former. I'll close off this blog with a discussion of these discoveries:

Being Chinese-American in China:
It sounds corny and obvious, but you don't really understand how American you are until you get transplanted in a foreign country. You would think this wouldn't be as much of an issue for Chinese-Americans because they already have an element of Chineseness in their upbringing that would make it easier for them to culturally assimilate, but if anything I think it makes it worse because the disparity between how Chinese you thought you were and how Chinese you actually are even greater. At one point it really hit me for the first time how much of a confusion people like me are - in America I'm not really American because I look like a Chinese and in many ways think/act like a Chinese , but in China I'm not really Chinese either because I was born and raised in America, so I've already been removed from my mother culture by simple process of osmosis and upbringing. In other words, if war ever breaks out between China and America I'm screwed. I always used to think this mixture of culture was simply a part of identity - something that makes me who I am, but now I'm starting to realize that the mixture also leaves me straddled between two vastly different societies of which neither I'm entirely part of. That sounds really depressing, but I think that this kind of reconsideration of something I've been conscious of my whole life has been immensely valuable. I've solidified the conviction that I'm more American than Chinese, and for some reason more happy to accept that about myself than before.

Being an English Major in a Chinese Language Program:
This sort of connects to being Chinese-American in China since the language barrier thing makes for a lot of interesting changes in perspective, especially about the nature of language itself. It seems a bit odd for someone interested in the English language to devote an entire summer to a foreign language, but in fact it has done leaps and bounds for my understanding and appreciation of English. I may have forgotten how to say some things after nine weeks of language pledging (which is going to be a problem when I get back to school), but in return I've learned how much of a role language plays in how we structure our thoughts, interpret texts and conversations, explain concepts and evoke meaning, etc. etc. One of the biggest reasons I want to be an English major is to hone my abilities to express myself and think about things at a deeper level through an analytical and creative lens. By taking away the basic crutch of the language itself, I'm forced to see how I can better accomplish those things and to better understand what language can do as a communication mechanism. I'm probably not doing a great job with the expression thing right now since it's a bizarre hour of the night, but I hope to encourage more unusual majors to engage in Chinese language study in the future since it changes how you think at a fundamental level that can only strengthen your approach to other modes of thought.

Being a Daughter in a Stage of Maturity:
Again, this sort of connects to being Chinese-American in China since I had a pervasive sense of becoming closer to my parents despite physically moving across the globe. In general, the length of time and vastness of distance spent from home made me truly realize for the first time how much I have come to appreciate and understand my parents. It was hard for a day to go by without doing or seeing something that I'd want to share with them, whether it was something that reminded me of them, something just plain interesting, something that showed how much progress I'm making study-wise (which is still their dominant concern), or something that reflects how much better I now understand their native culture, etc. Again, this is massively corny and personal, but I found that I missed my parents more than I thought and more than I ever had before -- partially because I was returning to whence they came and partially because I'm at that stage in life where I'm breaking away from them in an attempt to start shaping my own life, which is also the stage where you start realizing how human and yet how important your parents are. Mix in the time I spent with relatives from both sides and it's easy to see why much of this summer was about seeking out the roots while I forge ahead and letting those roots guide the process.